Hello Everyone! Thank you for (as always) sharing your most intimately/repulsive hookup moments with me. This week is especially exciting because someone finally submitted a story that I am in (fortunately it is embarrassing on their part and not mine.) Per usual I encourage you to submit your weird stories to be featured next week.
1.) It was Saco weekend and naturally every camper was horny. Went back to a guy’s tent to hook up, bathing suit top came off, and we must have fell asleep. Waking up in the morning I realize somehow I made my way out of the tent to pass out in the dunes. Confused I roll over to go back to my tent and realize I’m topless. Fabulous. Good news was there was a plastic bag next to me, so I wrapped it around myself and made a mad dash back for my tent. Can’t wait for next year.
2.) White girl wasted is an understatement to my condition on an evening that I hooked up with a guy in my friend’s shower. Not only were we apparently VERY loud, but I also got out of the shower to find my friend’s mom watching Orange In The New Black in the other room. So of course, I sat down and watched the rest of the episode with her before passing out in the basement.
3.) One night in February of my freshman year, me and my roommate were determined to get some action, no matter how ratchet the girls may be. We found two girls who were conveniently best friends. We started making out with them and all that sha-zaz until we called a cab around 1am to bring us back to the dorm. After we hung out in our room for an hour, I went back to one of the girls rooms with hopes of doing the dirty. We start making out and I begin to take off her clothes. I have a full on erection at this point and I’m about to go in for the kill. I take off her pants and the smell of tuna encompasses the room. Long story short – her pussy smelt so rancid I couldn’t get hard again, told her I had whisky dick, and ran back to my dorm.
4.) So it’s muggy af in July a couple of years ago and I bring a girl back to my place from a party–she’s drunk, I’m ripshit wasted. Due to my intoxication, it’s taking me a while to finish. And so due to this endurance race, and the sauna-like humidity, I’m really, really sweaty. I consider myself a relatively bold sweater–but this was like Michael Jordan vs. Mia Hamm Gatorade commercials circa 1996. SO, as it goes when it’s all said and done we get to sleeping. I wake up around ten hung over as sin, but what I really want to highlight is that I’d pissed myself in my sleep. Ripshit is ripshit. He who’s never wronged cast the first stone, fuckers. But yeah, so like I said I’d pissed myself and so I’m all like Oh Shit this is embarrassing. So she wakes up and turns over to see me sheetless in a spread of my own piss. But she just props her head up on one arm and goes: “look at you there. . . In your little pool of sweat.” Me: “YEP.” Crisis diverted.
5.) Like most of these stories, this was a drunk freshman year of college night. I’m not sure how we ended up where we did, but I was hooking up with one of my friends in a different friend’s dorm room. And just as my hookup friend went down on me, I felt like I was going to puke. I stopped him and went “I think I need a bucket” just in time to puke into the homeowner’s trash can. I was mortified, and I said to my hookup that I should clean the trash can, but my hookup said “I’m sure the kid who lives here will think it’s his” … I actually mentioned this to the kid whose room it was now that we’re out of college, and he said he never noticed vomit that wasn’t his own in his trash can!
6.) I was hooking up with this guy at school for a few weeks. Our last night together before summer break we decided to have sex somewhere crazy because, why not? We ended up doing it on the center of the football field. As we started hooking up not only did all the lights in the stadium turn on but it started pouring rain. Think its kinda romantic? Think again. Mid-thrust he shrieked in pain. Apparently his right nut was infected. Pour kid was in such excruciating pain I thought he was going to the be next Lance Armstrong. The night ended in a limp penis and we haven’t spoken since. I really hope his balls are intact…
7.) Ok so there was this girl I always liked (more than just being a guy and wanting to sleep with everyone, there was something about her.) When I finally got her to come over she brought 2 friends with her (one of which took one step in my house and passed out on the floor.) So, after a couple of hours of me drinking and watching tv I started hooking up with this girl (ooh em gee finally!) I don’t know what came over me but I just started laughing.She went to lay down and I felt like that made her uncomfortable. I was pissed I fucked it up. Stop there!? Absolutely not. I was really horny so I brought her friend up to my room where I receive the worst blowjob known to man. There was teeth involved to the point that later I had to check to make sure I still had a dick– only to find that there were teeth marks all over (they actually turned purple and bruised.) Karma.
8.) I went back to this guys apartment after meeting him that very night. We hooked up but I got weirded out by him so basically I pretended to fall asleep so I didn’t have to continue with this awkward hookup. I wake up around 5 am, all the lights in the room are on and the kid is standing at the foot of the bed looking like he’s fully awake and conscious. (I’m obviously freaking out thinking he’s gonna kill/kidnap me or something). He then proceeds to fully pull out his penis and straight up pee on the ironing board at the foot of his bed for probably about 90 seconds straight. Needless to say I’ve never grabbed my shit and ran out of a random house so fast in my life.
9.) Before I even considered dating my current boyfriend, we would occasionally hook up on the weekends. It was freshman year and I had the top bunk. Long story short, I got a concussion after a drunken night of “being on top.” I was out of classes for a week.
10.) I used to work at this gym where I would keep myself entertained by flirting with all of the 20-something finance guys who belonged there. This one guy had this really cool bottle opener key chain that I commented on once in passing, to which he replied by telling me he had an extra one that I could have next time he came in. No dice on the key chain. Cut to a couple of months after I stopped working there, I ran into bottle opener boy and we exchanged numbers. What started as innocent banter led to aggressive booty calls. One night after a little bit of liquid courage, I called an uber and headed out to his apartment. We ended up having extremely aggressive and raunchy (loud) sex for quite the extended period of time. Mid thrust we hear a loud knock on the door, which I naturally just assumed was a roommate asking us to keep it down. Nope. Turns out it was his crazy downstairs neighbor who he had recently fucked. To say she wasn’t happy would be an understatement. After trying to barge into the room, she exited by screaming “you’re a fucking asshole” and slamming every door in the damn place. I left the next morning with not only the bottle opener key chain and a lack of dignity, but also a vintage sox t-shirt and a legitimate bite (jaw outline) mark on my back.
11.) So I recently vacationed in Aruba with my friend’s family. Naturally while we were out at the bars we met some nice locals, one of which happened to be very charming and cute. After hanging out with our new Aruban friends several nights in a row, the “cute & charming” one, decided to spend the night in our hotel room. My friend and I drunkenly, very drunkenly, stumbled onto the pullout couch that was our bed for the week & he followed suit. After a sloppy drunken make out we passed out fast, nothing of excitement. However, much to my surprise (may or may not have blacked out??) I woke up next to Mr. Aruba… sucking his thumb while sleeping. Cute, charming, and may I add a bit childish?
12.) I started to make moves on this girl who went to my high school 3 years after we graduated. Obviously, it started on facebook with a poke and a message thread. When we eventually hung out, she was weird in person so I suggested we have a couple of drinks. Without my usual persistence, she quickly downed 4 shots and we were both feeling nice. We didn’t really connect at all but I still wanted to get my nut. Like the tooth fairy and Santa, I don’t believe in using condoms but I assured her my pull out game was strong. She was surprisingly okay with this, so I eagerly continued. When I started to get close, my spidey senses told me to start pulling out but I decided to wait it out a little longer, and pull out right before I came. Never ignore your spidey senses. As I am about to come, I start to pull out. She decides she wants me to come in her asshole and lifts her legs into the air, exposing her balloon knot. Also having a couple of shots in me, I decide this is a great idea. Unfortunately, I don’t make it in time to slip it in her poop chute and instead I came all over her grundle. This wouldn’t have been as bad but instead she decides to start fingering herself with my cum. Luckily, she didn’t get pregnant but I learned a very valuable lesson that day: never call back a girl who likes cum in her asshole.
13.) One time in high school my bf at the time and I were having sex in the guest bedroom at some random kids party and my bf was wicked drunk and I kept asking if he was going to be sick and after my third time asking he leaned over me and threw up all over the floor, and not just the floor, but also all over my shorts, underwear and shoes. None of my friends were at the party and my bfs best friend had already left so I had to go find the owner of the house to help me take care of business until I realized we were in the guest room and there was nothing to change into and had to approach the entire party in my boyfriends clothing #classy.
14.) I was at a party, bored, mad at my ex boyfriend, and in a room full of guys I’d never met so I decided to hook up with the one that looked the most harmless. We got to his room and it got down to the point pretty fast. Normally I enjoy when sex can last longer than four minutes, but I noticed something was up because this was taking too long. When we finally finish he drops this bomb on me “you’re the first girl I’ve ever came for” bye. I gotta get out of here, but my phone is across the city umass amherst claims as a campus. So I sleep there. The next morning I’m desperately trying to get a hold of my friends on this kid’s computer, and they tell me to go to the dining hall. The whole way there he’s acting like we’re gonna hang out that day, like sorry pal I’m not the first girl who wants to spend time with you either. But as we’re driving something beautiful happens. A car comes out of nowhere and hits us on the drivers side. He’s fine, I’m fine, the world is lookin great. He looks so embarrassed as he tells me to “just go on, this could take a while.” and I try not to look to eager as I jump out of the car apologizing for the awful morning. I flee the scene thanking the universe for doing me a solid, but at what cost? (he’s fine, I saw him four months later, it was a shitty convertible any way)
15.) I was at a party in college, flirting with this kid Mike, who at the time seemed super sexy. We went back to his place and were fooling around a bit, and that’s pretty much all I remember. In the morning, I found myself 1) unaware of where I was, and 2) a not-so-hot sweaty mess, ass naked, face down on his mattress. When I awkwardly asked him if we had sex, he said “we were going to, but you laughed at the size of my penis…then asked if we could still cuddle”. I felt like a jerk, but now seeing Mike through sober eyes, I’m glad my drunken self had the good sense to turn down for micropenis. He didn’t give up though, and tried to get with me the next weekend at a space themed party while I was wearing an alien suit.
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